I Was So Hot In Bed

Vaguely, I recall the book I was reading slipping out of my hands onto the floor as I drifted off to sleep in a stolen Saturday afternoon nap. I promised myself I’d only sleep an hour.

A mere twenty minutes later, annoyed, I awoke, feeling as though I was suddenly in the midst of a blazing inferno. I ripped off the comforter, leaped out of bed and picked up the power fan, holding it in front of my chest. Immediately, I started to cool down. I scowled as I looked over at the comforter. It was no longer my friend now the temperatures in Sacramento had crept up to near 90. We would have to part ways immediately and it would be a most definite acrimonious parting.

I slipped on my sneakers and a pair of shorts, not even bothering with socks – no time to spare – and grabbed my car keys. I drove quickly and with purpose, darting in and out of the clearly non-menopausal on the road until I zipped into the parking lot at Target, careening into the parking spot. I sprang out and darted in – it would be air conditioned, I thought—a definite bonus.

Up and down the bedding aisles I stalked until I came up my solution – a lightweight quilt in the right color range. I held it up and contemplated. Damn, no sheets to match. I went to the sheet aisle and voilả – sheets on sale and one in a good color. I added it to the pile. I headed to the register, walking past the framed art – I stopped – two caught my eye. Well, if I was going to get a new quilt, I’d need something to complement it on the wall behind the bed, right? Tossing them into the cart, I headed out.

As I was loading the car, I realized that the gigantic ferocious tiger that hung on the wall in my bedroom would no longer go in the room. Hmm. My eye spied Linens-n-Things. They had air conditioning too, perhaps I’d just walk around for a bit and be nice and cool.

Ah, that wicker laundry basket I’d always wanted was on deep discount. I better get a cart, I thought. Oh, look at that mirror up on the wall – wouldn’t that go perfectly where the tiger was? It barely fit in the cart. Well, if I put that mirror up – that lamp on the dresser just has to go. I found a lamp and shade and tossed it in.

Later, exhausted but much cooler, I looked in horror at the floor beside my desk, where I’d stacked the evidence of my menopausal shopping spree: a comforter, sheets, artwork, mirror, laundry basket, and lamp. All because I was so hot in bed. I shook my head. It was clear – menopause was going to be very expensive.